During the six years that followed my becoming a LEED AP, I excused all attempts to endure the ARE exam process on many facts, such as: a move back to Baton Rouge, LA; the opening of my husband’s practice; a new job; the buying of our first home; many renovations; two daughters; etc. I really don’t believe my life is any more hectic than everyone else who is going through this process, but I certainly found comfort in those facts and hung on to them as a reason for avoiding to face my biggest fear: failure. And failing standardized exams just seemed like too much of a certainty.
I am usually not one to make excuses for my behavior. I am the first to admit when I’ve done something wrong, or crossed the line, or were too judgmental about something (even when I believe there was a reason for my bad behavior). However, in the facts mentioned above, I have to say that they were not merely excuses to avoid facing the fact that I wanted to become a licensed architect. A part of me felt a bit burned out, actually. My husband and I had just returned to Louisiana, his work was super demanding (it still is) and I was working long hours and weekends aside from handling most of the daily house stuff, the renovations, etc. There were no children in the picture at the time, so if it weren’t for the busy schedule (that most of you intern architects can certainly relate to), that would’ve been the perfect time to test. Had I known better, I would have made a priority in my life to tackle these tests then. But I didn’t. And things just snowballed…
We had two girls in the space of two years that followed. I decided I couldn’t handle the work schedule and care for them at the same time. I also couldn’t rely on my husband for taking them to daycare or pick them up, or keep them every now and then when they were sick. We couldn’t take turns. It had to be me, or I would have had to hired someone to do that. (By the way, how can a parent handle the amount of sick days a kid requires per year and keep a job, is beyond me).
Another point is that it was just very important to me that I be around the girls at least for their first couple of years. I wanted them to learn the language I speak without an accent (that is Portuguese, by the way). I wanted them to be around family and be raised by one of their parents, especially since I don’t have mine close by. And since my husband’s schedule couldn’t give, I decided to take a halt from my professional career and stay home with them. I have no doubt that it was the best decision I made to date. I do have doubts, though, about my goals and aspirations. I feel like I got so off track that I lost not only confidence in my testing abilities, but my choice of career altogether.
But five years later, not too long after my littlest one started daycare, I had a pivotal conversation with my husband. It was the moment I walked away from that made me schedule that first exam…
The conversation wasn’t long or difficult, or anything like that. My husband simply asked me why had I seemed to give up on taking those exams. In his words: “what are you so afraid of?” My shortsighted answer: “I’m afraid of failure. I know I will fail a few, if not all of them, so I have just put this off. Failing one to me is like failing them all.” The truth was: I knew I couldn’t prepare adequately for them to feel like I, at least, had a good shot at passing, so the business of life just got in the way and got the best of me. However, his following words is what changed that narrow-minded view and feeling of fear in me. He said: “You know you are already failing by not even trying, right? If you do not give yourself a chance to succeed, you are automatically a failure.” That was it. Those words: YOU ARE ALREADY FAILING BY NOT EVEN TRYING.
We talked a bit more about how the decision of taking these exams could impact my relationship with my very young girls. Although too young to understand, this would certainly be a topic of conversation when they themselves face their own fears. I felt that even if I were not to return to practice, the example of perseverance and determination would always be a good trait to teach them. After all, the best form of education a parent can give a child is to lead by example, right?
The very next morning, I scheduled my first exam: CDS.
archipath 